Starting on another new path...stumbling over rocks as I go..

Egad where do I start....I have lost two of the dearest people in the world to me,but I feel my moms strength in me, as much as I felt the weakness I felt when my soulmate of 13 years died, we were never married, maybe we weren't suppose to be I don't know I am confused about so many things and some times it can be maddening unless you believe in God and I do...I didn't always though, being brought up Catholic I believed if you did something wrong it was like ....you received  black dots on your forhead..it you got to many then the venial sin turned into original sin and then you had to count them all up....and write them down before confession...that was a lot of work for a kid like me who really never wanted to be in trouble..I wanted to be a nun...and had I had enough brainwashing at the time...like most good I talian families do..I do remember as a little kid feeling like thereis something God wants me to do..maybe it has always been wishful thinking...because up till now I really have never felt this close....Lots of details without names....but I bet in heaven your name doesn't mean a lot ,because you get to come back if you want to,,,,,at least that's what the voices in my head are telling me as I write them down to you...I really have no one else to turn to....and this is a very spiritual thing for me...im not out to make money...I just wondered if anyone would look ...and if anyone would be able to understand my journey