Starting on another new path...stumbling over rocks as I go..

Egad where do I start....I have lost two of the dearest people in the world to me,but I feel my moms strength in me, as much as I felt the weakness I felt when my soulmate of 13 years died, we were never married, maybe we weren't suppose to be I don't know I am confused about so many things and some times it can be maddening unless you believe in God and I do...I didn't always though, being brought up Catholic I believed if you did something wrong it was like ....you received  black dots on your forhead..it you got to many then the venial sin turned into original sin and then you had to count them all up....and write them down before confession...that was a lot of work for a kid like me who really never wanted to be in trouble..I wanted to be a nun...and had I had enough brainwashing at the time...like most good I talian families do..I do remember as a little kid feeling like thereis something God wants me to do..maybe it has always been wishful thinking...because up till now I really have never felt this close....Lots of details without names....but I bet in heaven your name doesn't mean a lot ,because you get to come back if you want to,,,,,at least that's what the voices in my head are telling me as I write them down to you...I really have no one else to turn to....and this is a very spiritual thing for me...im not out to make money...I just wondered if anyone would look ...and if anyone would be able to understand my journey

This is my momma,she is dieing and i know it and she knows it,the rock of our family I dont know what we will do without her,I want her to eat so badly but she wont,i need medical marajaana to pass ...smething...Although it will be so hard for me,I know she will be ok....my family and i are going through a dispute as this wonderful soul will finally get to be with my dad,as i walk from my house to hers I always look in the window of my studio to see if Billys shadow is in there,once I thought I saw it...i know he is with me.....and I feel my dad with me as well,I know he gives me my strength...he wants mom to be in her house ,I feel it....Why do I have to be the one to feel it.....Why cant my brothers see it......Are the nurses at the nursing home going to sleep with her at night.....go out and buy her ice cream,,,,,I feel he is calling her home....Last night an amazing sign happened....moms marriage certificate fell off the wall,mom had a dream that my dad sat on the edge of her bed and ask her to marry him again.....pretty simple sign...I think dad can help her home easier,because he is here waiting for her...i dont know.....Its a very hard time in my life again....My sister in law said....its been 2 years....since Billy died...you said you were going to get counseling......for what to tell me that i feel like my dad and billy are looking out for us.

my new normal???

Well here i am again ....I look back at this blog...Cabin Girl and I get swept back again into my memories...You see Billy Died.....There is no one in my life that can fill that void. It will be a year soon and I still feel so sad without him yet...Let me start by telling my story..Its a long one filled with lots of joy and pain,hopes and dreams..desparity...but a longing to be the best I can be.

I am going to start counseling maybe I needed it a long time ago,maybe I don't need it at all and others around me do...Guess that remains to be seen...But this could be a journey if nothing else until I see him again...and I guess it could make me a beter person can't hurt right?